Gratitude diaries- 1

As part of my private fortieth birthday celebrations, I have decided to write thank-you notes to 40 people, or places, or institutions or experiences.

This is the first one.

Thank you note to my mother.

Mother-daughter relationships are complicated, so I've read. My earliest memories are of me and my sister competing for my mother's attention, and me coming out on top. Perhaps it is natural for a mother to be extra fond of her youngest. I certainly find that in my own case. I know my sister was jealous of the spot I occupied and felt vaguely guilty about that when I was a kid.

I have been aware since my childhood that my mother was 'different' and not in a good way. Her mental illness was the most dominant influence in our childhood. I often feel that my tendency to be negative, melancholy and unhappy can be traced to growing up with a mentally ill parent. But this is probably partially true only. I see shyness, lack of confidence and a tendency to bottle up emotions in my youngest as well and I lament that he has inherited these from me. I think that I must have inherited these from my mother, and coupled with the stress of my childhood environment, these would have got exacerbated to the extent that being unhappy is simply a habit of mine. Sasha has a happy childhood so he will probably be spared.

Hard though it was, growing up with a very vulnerable adult has instilled a strong sense of empathy in me. It has made me sensitive to the pain that dysfunctional families suffer.

When I look back, I am overawed by how well my mother managed, given her circumstances. I don't think I'd have been able to do half as well as her. To manage a household, often complicated by a large number of servants (thanks to my father's district postings) and frequent moves and to bring up two daughters seems like a heroic achievement to me, when your mind is full of voices. She never neglected her motherly and household duties and gave us as normal a life as possible in terms of practicalities. We were always as well-fed, well-groomed as any other kids and had everything we needed in our day-to-day school lives. Although she did not supervise my studies or involve herself greatly in them, she always made sure that we knew we were supposed to do well at school and we always did.

Now that I know firsthand how crippling depression can be, how easy it is to shirk all your responsibilities because you don't have the mental energy, I think that my mother was heroine in that she never shirked hers. She is incredibly strong in that respect, to this day.

At times when I expected her to break down and be weak, she has remained strong and given me strength instead. I recall two specific incidents. The first one was when I was leaving for Ahmedabad to do my MBA. This was the first time I was leaving home and though I was excited and happy to get away, I remember the pain and anguish I felt at the doorstep as I was walking out to go to the airport. I broke down and fully expected my mother to break down even more. But even as she was crying, she hugged me and said, 'you need to do this for your education. Even your cousin Vinaya went to IIM Calcutta for her education, didn't she?'. And with those encouraging words, she sent me on my way to become an adult.

The second occasion was  when I was married. When the wedding reception was over and I said my good byes to everyone and it was time for me to go to my marital home, I again felt the pain of separation from my natal family and fear of the future and burst into tears. Again, I expected her to break down at the sight of my tears. But she didn't. She didn't even cry. She admonished me instead, 'go with joy, not tears.' I know she must have cried later after my car left. But on these two occasions, she gave me strength when I most needed it.

Thank you, mummy for everything you've ever done, all the sacrifices you have made for me and my sister. All children, once they are old enough, understand the sacrifices their parents made. You parented with the heavy burden of your illness as well as you could. Today, you are unselfish and undemanding, content with whatever time we can spend with you, never making us feel guilty of not spending more. You ask nothing of us. I hope that I can be as unselfish with my kids when I am older.

I do not believe in reincarnation. But at some level, I hope for it for you. I hope that you are born again, and born whole, normal and that you enjoy a life without the burden of mental illness, so you can fulfil your ambitions and reach your potential, which you couldn't do in this life.